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Perfect Love

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I once had a dream, and in this dream I was walking around a city. The initial details are vague, of course; remembering dreams is a tricky business. But there was an element of video-gameness to this situation, as I, like a game creator, was some sort of godlike being. Now, I don’t mean the pathetic gods we see in movies. No, I mean like the powerful gods the player inhabits in games like The Sims or the even more powerful godlike position of creating a video game, where you’re responsible for designing the rules of the universe. In this case, I was positioning NPCs—that’s “non-player characters,” an entity that the player doesn’t directly control. I was figuring out how the game engine worked: specifically, what would happen to NPCs on the street if I went into a building? Would their position reset (that is, was the outside reloaded into its default state when entering and then exiting a building?), or would they continue doing what they’d been doing? After all, computers (including
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Longing's Cry - Poem

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  "Where are you? Where are you?" my heart cries out, seeking after the woman who'll be my wife. "Where is she? Where is she?" I cry to God, both my Father and hers. "What do I do? What do I do?" I long to know, that my desire may be fulfilled. "Wait on Me. Wait on Me." comes the reply, sure and familiar from my God. "Waiting sucks! Waiting sucks!" I cry out in longsuffering grief. "Waiting does suck, but sometimes it's necessary." Loving empathy from the Ancient of Days. For now, my heart's pain has been soothed. But waiting does suck. And until its end comes, The pain it causes Will flare Once again.
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Things I'm Learning About Making RPGs (in RPG Maker MV as Me)

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For quite some time now, I've been trying to make an RPG in RPG Maker MV . Each time, I've run into problems, but I've also learned from those problems. They're pretty variable, but they all result in me getting utterly bogged down in particulars that drain me of all interest or motivation in continuing to make my current game. Along the way, I've also learned a few things about RPGs in general, both from my own gaming experience and from watching other's playthroughs. I'd like to share some of these thoughts, because I know doing so will help me better process the lessons I've been learning. Before I really get into it, though, something that's important to know about me as a creative is that I'm a pantser. (A word from the writing world that refers to "flying by the seat of your pants." People like me need to figure things out as they go. It stands in contrast to "plotters," who plan everything out ahead of time, and then ma
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Seeking Tension's Source

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I have long suffered from tension headaches, and for just as long, I've prayed, asking for God to heal them. But when I do, I hear a firm "no," and now I think I know why: the tension that causes the headaches is a symptom of an underlying problem, and I think God wants to address that deeper issue. To explore what I think is going on, I want to first establish my tension symptoms and their history. Feeling Tense The tension I experience is primarily in my neck, shoulders, upper back, and head. I also suspect I experience some tension around my chest, though this is harder to observe. With conscious effort and intent, I can relax these muscles, and it does feel like they are tense most of the time; indeed, that seems to be the default state. This tension at minimum contributes to a sense of fatigue, which impacts concentration and tiredness. It can escalate into a full headache, which can be fairly debilitating. I have found that keeping well-hydrated helps manage the sev
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Jesus, Who Passed Through Death - Poem

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You founded the world on love We remade it with greed. How long will we deny That it's You we need? You passed through death to save me You shed Your blood to wash me clean. You rose from death to lead me To Your deathless land serene. This world is dying, Choking on entropy As the poison of sin Courses through its psyche. You passed through death to save me You shed Your blood to wash me clean. You rose from death to lead me To Your deathless land serene. We chase after our idols With hearts badly deceived. We follow foolish ways, But it's You we need receive. You passed through death to save me You shed Your blood to wash me clean. You rose from death to lead me To Your deathless land serene. We make You in our image And lead ourselves astray. And yet You seek us out To show us Your true way. You passed through death to save me You shed Your blood to wash me clean. You rose from death to lead me To Your deathless land serene. We make ourselves a judge The other to condemn, Bu
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Capitalism Brain - Poem

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Capitalism Brain says Workaholism Is the highest virtue And being a hard worker Is the second. Capitalism Brain says Laziness Is the greatest sin. Capitalism Brain says Enjoying life Is a waste of time That could be better spent Working. Capitalism Brain says No matter how much you got done today It was not Enough. Capitalism Brain says The only productivity Is effort Put towards Earning a paycheck Capitalism Brain says The appearance of productivity Is more important Than actual Productivity. Capitalism Brain says That your contribution To society Is your income And anyone Who isn't financially independent Is worse Than worthless. Capitalism Brain says You're leeching from society If you gain from others' work Through taxes But it's just smart If you gain from others' work Through dividends. Capitalism Brain says The cure for loneliness Is spending money. Capitalism Brain says You have to buy your way into community That the only activities to do together Are the o
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Seeking My Heart's Pain - Poem

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My heart cries out, "I hate my life!" My mind's reply Is "Why?" I am lonely Where are my peers? Thanks be to God for my sister. Working alone Working from home Leaves me feeling isolated. So here I sit, Trapped in my room Surrounded by stuff I've not got space to use My own little prison. The Internet offers me Parasocial relationships. But I want something genuine. My heart cries out, I feel constrained Cut off Isolated Alone. Where are you God? How do I escape this prison? Where are the people I long to befriend? How do I find them? How do we connect? What do I do? I'm quartered By loneliness A pressing urge to do something Anything And a faith that says, "Wait on Jesus." "It'll be worth it." All the while My heart screams In tensile agony. Please, God, Save me!
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